The Absolute Comedy of It All

WARNING: Descriptions of explicit sexual acts

On June 17th, 1972, five men were arrested at the Watergate complex in Washington D.C. for burglary. The five men were attempting to plant various listening/recording devices in the building. Oh! It’s important to note: the building was the location of the Democratic National Committee Headquarters. Wow, that sounds important.

The five men were named Virgilio Gonzalez, James McCord, Bernard Barker, Frank Sturgis, and Eugenio Martinez. McCord had been a CIA officer, and they were all part of the anti-[Fidel] Castro movement. So, you know, a former CIA officer [only recently resigned] breaking into a political party’s headquarters with recording devices and cameras?? Kind of a big deal. Kinda sketch, to be perfectly frank.

Strange things began to happen and the story turned into a scandal. White House counsel John Dean basically told Congress that Nixon was criminally involved. White House Chief of Staff Haldeman and Domestic Affairs Advisor Ehrlichman both resigned on the same day. There were reports of White House tape recordings which [might] implicate high-ranking officials and [maybe] Richard Nixon himself. And there was also the “Saturday Night Massacre,” when Nixon ordered Attorney General Elliot Richardson to fire the special prosecutor Archibald Cox [in charge of investigating the scandal]. Richardson resigned in protest. Nixon then ordered Deputy Attorney General William Ruckelshaus to fire Archibald Cox. Ruckelshaus refused and also resigned. Nixon then ordered the acting head of the Justice Department, Robert Bork, to fire Archibald Cox. Bork obeyed the order, meaning that Nixon basically fired the man who was responsible for investigating him.

Lotsa shady shit, I’d say. That’s why it’s called a “scandal” and considered one of the biggest political scandals in U.S. history. That’s why all these other scandals are called “______gate.” Deflategate, Bountygate, Gamergate, Pizzagate.. well that one is made up nonsense.

Anyway, during the Watergate scandal, there were these two reporters that worked at The Washington Post. Their names are Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, and they’re the main guys reporting the dirty details of this evolving story, especially at the beginning. It was a “juicy” story, as reporters weirdly say. Woodward and Bernstein obtained their information from a mysterious, unknown whistleblower. A man in the shadows. And that added to the intrigue of the story.

But they couldn’t call him “unknown-mysterious-whistleblower-guy” every time. They needed to give him a code name. The name that they chose, with their own adult brains, was “Deep Throat.” Deep Throat, as in the sexual act of putting someone’s penis in your mouth as far as you can and sucking it, was the name of their source. Biggest news story of the decade and they’re like “Yeah our source’s name is Deep Throat,” and everyone read about it, talked about it, heard about it, knew about Deep Throat.

That’s just so fucking funny to me. Like they could have called him John Doe or Mr. X or literally anything, and they decided to name him Depp Throat and then tell everyone that name. Everyone knew Deep Throat. People talked about it casually. My DAD has mentioned Deep Throat to me when we were talking about U.S. history. The biggest scandal in U.S. Presidential history and they decide to call their informant Deep Throat. So funny.

How’d that conversation go?

Woodward: “Hey Carl, we’re following the biggest story of our lives, and I know this whistleblower, what should we call him?

Bernstein [horny AF]: “Uhh, how about Deep Throat?”

Woodward: ..

Imagine if something like that happened today. If, let’s say, during one of Trump’s impeachments, there’s a big investigation and there’s all this shady government shit going on. And then an insider turns on the administration and starts leaking important information. Their code name, it turns out, is “Rimjob,” and everyone’s talking about this mysterious person called Rimjob. And people would be at work talking about Rimjob this, Rimjob that, Rimjob is saving democracy. It would be hilarious. Pandemonium would ensue. The memes would be poppin, as they say.

The absolute comedy of Deep Throat!

Wouldn’t It Be Nice?

Wouldn’t it be nice if people were, well, nicer? The answer is, “yes,” obviously. It would be better if more people were more nice more often. I was thinking about this one day, and I thought of niceness as a thing to be studied. Niceology, I called it, and I started writing “lessons” on the subject. It is a way to think about niceness, spread niceness to others, and become nicer myself [hopefully]. 

So far, I’ve written fifty lessons on the subject, and I compiled them into a cute little book, which looks like this:

It’s available here https://www.amazon.com/Niceology-Life-Lessons-How-Nice/dp/B093KW3ZQB/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=niceology&qid=1620240921&sr=8-2 if you want to purchase a copy for yourself or for a friend. It’s an easy way to support me. Hopefully I’ll be able to publish some other books I’m working on without amazon, but for now that’s what I’ve got.

Thanks.

High Movie Review #010: history of the entire world, i guess

history of the entire world, i guess is a movie that was released on May 10, 2017 by bill wurtz on youtube. It tells the story of the last 13.8 billion years in the span of 19 minutes and 25 seconds. So obviously it’s fast paced the entire way through. EXCEPT right at the beginning.

So we start of with bill trying to comprehend the incomprehensible idea of the non-existence of time and space. The non-existence of existence is just something that’s so crazy and hard to think about. Even talking about it is hard because you’re trying to say before time and space, but that word before is explaining it through the lens of time itself. You can’t even have “before” if there’s no time. It’s fucking crazy, man. bill explains this idea by saying that there isn’t everywhere, you don’t need a where [space], you don’t even need a when [time]. Then there’s a big pause, the only pause in the movie. Then bill says “forget this” and we launch into the beginning of the universe.

And it’s so funny to me, like nonexistence saying “forget this,” and then existence happens. Like nonexistence is just like “man, this sucks, let’s do something else,” and that’s why the universe exists. That’s such a funny concept.

Everything is anthropomorphized, which gives the movie so much of its charm. Even tiny plant cells, he treats them like people you can communicate with. He sings “now you can eat sunlight!” to the plants. And even later he tells an ocean animal “learn to use an egg,” to which the animal responds, “I was already doing that.” And that adds so much charm. Like it seems like early life was just unintelligent creatures making random choices and evolution took its course, whatever. But they’re important characters in the story of the world, and bill treats them as important characters, shaping the story.

I’m a mammal, so once it became “mammal time,” I was pretty excited. My friends are all mammals too, and to see our development from having breasts, to grabbing things, to walking, to banging rocks together, to setting things on fire, to talking, was incredible to see. We’ve come a long way. And that’s just the period from mammals to the first humans. Obviously we’ve come a long way since 200,000 B.C., as we’ll see shortly.

So there’s an ice age, and people walk to the Americas, which is just insane. Like, I can’t imagine being a person back then and just like “Well, I guess we’ll walk this way.” That’s incredible. Imagine if they didn’t do that, or if they didn’t make it. That would have a colossal impact on the course of history. Of course they weren’t thinking about, you know, the eventual arrival of Columbus or anything, they were just moving. But I like to think about the environmental impact on history. It’s easy to think of history as just people doing stuff because of complex, human things. But obviously they’re doing stuff in relation to the environment that’s around them. It’s no coincidence that these early civilizations developed around rivers, as bill points out.

The movie is very fast-paced. It has to be, given the premise. There’s a lot of brightness and a lot of movement of pictures and quick displaying fo maps and words. It’s a style that is unique to bill and it works so well in this film.

It’s about time to talk about the jingles. These jingles are brief, musical.. things. Basically he’s talking, telling the story of the world then he breaks out into singing! But very briefly. And these jingles are extremely catchy. I find myself just thinking, “It’s the golden age of Indiaaaaaa” randomly in my life.

I think it’d be funny if I ran into some mind readers from time to time. Like a waiter can read my mind, let’s say, for the sake of this bit of fun. So the waiter is about to ask if I have any room for dessert and he hears my brain singing “It’s the golden age of Indiaaaaaa,” and he’s like, in his mind, “Why the fuck is this guy thinking about the Golden Age of India right now?!” Although, come to think of it, if he was a mind reader, he probably has heard some way weirder shit than that. But still, it’s funny to think about.

Another one I like is “Now the Phoenicians can get down to business!” It sounds very cool and it’s fun to sing.

The jingle that I love a lot but don’t really know why it’s in there is “The Sultan of Oman lives in Zanzibar now..” and that’s it! He just moves on immediately. And there’s no buildup to it. It’s like, he’s talking about “The Great Game” between Britain and Russia, and then he quickly tells us where the Sultan of Oman lives now, and then moves on to an Indian revolt and the continued occupation by Britain. It’s like, why the fuck do I care where the Sultan of Oman lives?? No explanation, I love it.

Now I’m not a historian. I like learning about the Cold War and other periods of American history and sometimes British history, but I definitely don’t know much about Asian, African, or South American history. All that to say that there’s probably some significance [of which I am unaware] to the Sultan of Oman living in Zanzibar. But it’s still funny cause it seems like the only jingle whose importance goes unexplained. Here’s the thing: if I learned the significance of the Sultan of Oman living in Zanzibar, I might not enjoy the jingle as much, because part of my enjoyment comes from not understanding.

ANYWAY, in addition to being fun and entertaining, the film’s goal is to tell the story of the world. And it achieves this goal pretty well, given the time restraint. I actually learned a lot watching this. You probably will too. Also you’ll probably find something in there that seems interesting so you’ll go read about it more.

It’s also funny how bill spends more or less time on certain events. For example, he takes a lot longer to explain the Spanish-American War than he does to explain the Black Death. He just says “Whoops, half of Europe just died,” and then moves on. I actually missed it the first time watching. The movie has jingles, charm, jokes, and a kind of dry humor at points. But, you know, it’s talking about real events and a lot of them are pretty brutal, as history is. It’s a strange dynamic, and it makes me think about how the rest of this century will go. I don’t know any exact details, but I imagine it will be quite brutal. Wars, droughts, floods, poverty, starvation, etc. I will be alive during much of it. And I hope to do my own small part to make it not as bad as maybe it could be. I want to do some good, is what I’m trying to say.

As of the writing of this review, the video has 117 million views. If you haven’t seen it, I HIGHly recommend it. It’s one of the best videos on youtube.

Stuck on Specks

I am currently stuck in Denver, Colorado. All flights out of Denver International Airport, including mine, got canceled yesterday due to a blizzard. I haven’t been around snow that much during my life, but apparently this is one of the worst blizzards on record in Denver.

I was at a ski resort about 100 miles from Denver, and I took a shuttle yesterday [while my flight was still active] from the resort to the airport. On the way, my flight got canceled, and luckily the driver took me and the other passengers to hotels. The driver was a very friendly, positive guy and happily conversed with us during the trek. I was the last passenger to be dropped off, and when we were about a block away from my hotel, we got stuck. The driver yelled, “Fuck!” and tried to get the shuttle moving a few times with no success. I’m not sure how that went for him, but I walked through the wind and snow into my hotel. 

During that drive, we saw cars spinning out, a minor accident, cars being towed, and multiple vehicles stuck in the snow. I looked out the window most of the time and, before the blizzard got really bad, I watched some tiny specks of snow land on the window here and there. And that’s just what it was, a speck. A tiny piece of snow that I could squash between my fingers. And yet, I thought, it caused all this. Cars stuck in the snow, people stuck in a city a thousand miles  from home, roads closed, businesses closed, the airport and train stations shut down. Basically, human society, in this area, shut down. All from this from a bunch of tiny specks [and a lot of wind].

And I started thinking about other things like that. Carbon dioxide is an extremely tiny speck. So much smaller than a speck of snowfall. But since we’ve pumped so much of it into the atmosphere in the last 100 years, that insignificant speck has caused, and will continue to cause, much more damage than shutting down a city for a couple of days. In the U.S., extreme weather events are on the rise, and this is a result of this tiny speck that is carbon dioxide [and methane]. Hurricanes and wildfires are getting bigger, more destructive, and more frequent. Harvey, Maria, and Irma were extremely destructive, both in damage costs and human lives. California’s three worst years for wildfires have been in the last five years. 

Ice is melting, sea levels are rising, certain highly populated areas will become uninhabitable for humans. And it’s this little fucking speck. So small you can’t even see it.

That was pretty sad so I started thinking of another example: the sun. The sun is the biggest speck in the solar system, but it emits specks even smaller than carbon dioxide. Specks so tiny that they don’t have mass or volume. Photons. Light is our source of energy, which, you know, we need for living. This infinitesimal speck is the reason we have human civilization at all. And that’s pretty incredible. Flowers, trees, insects, mice, snakes, tigers, humans, we all need that continuous supply of that tiniest of specks. Of course there’s plenty of other specks involved, but the photon is the ultimate source of all we love and enjoy. It is the greatest speck in the universe.

Who is the Hero of Robin Hood [1973]?

Robin Hood was released in 1973. Produced by Walt Disney Productions and distributed by Buena Vista Distribution

The film is a re-telling of a story from English folklore. The legend of Robin Hood, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, the Sheriff of Nottingham, Prince John, and King Richard. All these characters are portrayed by animals in the film. 

Upon a casual viewing of the film you might simply think that it’s an interesting story with fun characters and a couple good songs, but as I dug a little deeper into the film, I began to ask myself: “Who is the hero of this film? Who is the hero of the Robin Hood story?”

I initially considered Prince John. He’s a lion, he’s regal, he’s got a crown. And he’s leading England, so you’d think he might be the hero of this tale. But at the same time he’s kind of a wimp, sucking his thumb all the time. He doesn’t have courage, like a hero should. And he abuses his assistant, Sir Hiss. Prince John’s also pretty stupid, getting fooled by these ridiculous digsuises of fortune tellers.

Okay, so what about the Sheriff of Nottingham? Now that could very well be the hero of our story. He is the sheriff, a member of law enforcement, a civil servant. It’s a dangerous job, and he does it with a great sense of duty and honor, maintaining the system of law and order which protects the citizens. He puts his life on the line every day to recover stolen property and return it to its legal, and therefore rightful, owner: Prince John. The Sheriff of Nottingham is the only thing standing between the people of England and complete and utter chaos. That, to me, is a clear frontrunner for the hero of this motion picture.

Now let’s take a look at Robin Hood himself. He is the star of the movie after all. How would I describe him? Liar. Thief. Impostor. And not just stealing stuff here and there, but he commits grand larceny against the crown, using a pulley system to steal bags and bags of money. This is a huge deal, and was probably the “crime of the century” in England at that time. This is a guy who brazenly breaks the law, contributing to the large crime rate of England. He wears disguises to evade law enforcement. Overall he’s just a pretty disreputable character.

He does have a couple heroic things, though. He’s amazing with the bow and arrow, but even that is tainted by the fact that he entered the archery contest under false pretenses. He cheated, in order words. That’s called fraud, and it has no place in a civil society. So his victory was obviously tarnished and, one might argue, completely devoid of any value.

And, you know, he did give his hat to a kid, which was nice. But when you consider Robin Hood, his complete lawlessness greatly outweighs his heroic qualities. I mean, he has such a total disregard for the rule of law, it’s hard to root for him. Maybe if he just applied himself, he could’ve become a professional archer instead of a free-loading anarchist. 

Little John is pretty much an enabler of Robin Hood’s behavior and a frequent accessory to his crimes. He’s so caught up in Robin Hood’s cult of personality that he can’t see him for what he really is: a criminal. Little John is blinded by his admiration for Robin Hood that he actually contributes to his crimes against the state.

And then there’s Friar Tuck. He’s supposed to be a model member of the clergy, a pious, Christian man. Yet, he also enables Robin Hood’s criminal activities, accepting, and thereby encouraging, Robin Hood’s felonies. Hold on a second, let’s see. *flips through Bible* Ah yes, Exodus, here we go. Yes, here we are: “Thou shalt not steal,” does that ring any bells, Friar Tuck? Try practicing what you preach.

This type of hypocrisy can never be considered heroic. 

What about Maid Marian? Again: hypocrite! She pretends like she loves poor people, dancing with them in the forest and playing with the poor children, yet she lives in a castle, living a luxurious life, playing badminton. Typical virtue-signaling, SJW celebrity. They don’t really care about poor people. And she’s an enabler of Robin Hood’s criminal activity, just like Little John and Friar Tuck.

So, after considering all these characters, one would have to conclude that the Sheriff of Nottingham is the true hero of the Robin Hood story. Risking his life, in the face of lawless, dangerous bandits, to uphold law and order for English society. I salute you, Sheriff of Nottingham.

High Movie Review #009: Casablanca

You know how some books get called the “Great American Novel” by literary experts, fans, and critics? And how it’s like it’s a great novel written by an American, but it’s also a novel that encapsulates a certain “American” spirit. It explores the American soul, so to speak. And it’s books like To Kill a Mockingbird or The Grapes of Wrath. Great choices. Well, Casablanca is like that, but in film. The “Great American Film,” encapsulating a spirit, authentic, imagined, or a bit of both, of America. And there are other films like that, like Citizen Kane.

Rick Blaine is a strong, captivating character. He’s neutral [like America at the start of WWII], he’s a drinking businessman. He owns a bar with gambling and music, everyone wants to talk to him, he’s cynical and witty. This film has some of the best-written dialogue in American cinema. Rick’s dry sarcasm makes him such an enjoyable character.

Rick’s is a bustling place with shady dealings and people from all corners of Europe. And it’s in Casablanca, which is like a jumping off point to Lisbon, which is another jumping off point, for refugees. And there’s a murder, so the authorities are looking for suspects. They arrest Peter Lorre at Rick’s bar. Peter Lorre plays a slimy character super well in this movie. Just like the caricature of him in Hair-Raising Hare, that Bugs Bunny cartoon with the big red monster.

The flashback scene where Rick is remembering his great times with Ilsa, it starts off a bit cheesy in my opinion. Not horrible, but them driving a car together, it’s a little hokey. But when it’s them sitting and drinking and talking, that was better. It’s a montage type thing, and it shows the Nazi invasion of Paris. It shows their love together and their life, but I feel like it could have been structured just a bit better. But once it gets to their longer scenes together it works better. Pretty minor, personal complaint. Rick plans their escape, but instead of meeting Rick at the station, Ilsa vanishes, leaving only a short note, so Rick has to leave without her. Pretty heartbreaking, and that’s why Rick is so cynical and bitter now.

Anyway, Rick is miserable, drinking alone in the bar and Ilsa comes back looking for help, so they have a one-on-one confrontation. And Rick’s like “Fuck off! You left me for Laszlo, so fuck you,” and she leaves. So Laszlo talks to the authorities and they tell him that he is not allowed to leave Casablanca, unless he gives them the names of the people working underground in Paris to resist Nazi occupation. Laszlo says he won’t do it, and even if they kill him and everyone else, more will rise up against the Nazi’s, you know, kinda saying that the people won’t ever stand this horrible regime without resisting. And the Nazi is like “maybe people will replace people, but no one can replace you, Laszlo.” [hmm.. some foreshadowing maybe??]

And there’s some other aspects to the plot I won’t go too much into. There’s this fat business man who is.. eh, an okay character.

Then there’s this Bulgarian girl who comes to talk to Rick to ask for some advice/help about getting to America and stuff, and she’s like “Hypothetically, say that a woman [Ilsa] loved you [Rick] very much, and she [Ilsa] did a bad thing [leaving you at the train station and also being married to some guy named Laszlo], would you forgive her?” The Bulgarian girl is talking about herself but the same situation obviously applies to Rick. It’s a bit on-the-nose, but I guess that people from all over can have very similar experiences with romance. So it’s actually not far-fetched that her situation could apply to Rick’s.

Like, if there was a movie about me, and I’m some failing, miserable writer, and some Bulgarian girl is asking me for advice, and she’s like “Let’s say you loved someone so much, and would do anything for them, but in the end they did not love you? And let’s say you were so devastated that even who you were before, carefree and wide-eyed, is gone and you can’t get your old self back, what would you do?” And I’d be like “I don’t know, Bulgarian girl, maybe you should stay in Bulgaria,” but the audience would know that that applies to me as well. But then Rick helps the Bulgarian girl’s husband get enough money to flee to America, and I’d like to think I would too.

Anyway, there’s these letters of transit that Rick secretly has, [that Peter Lorre gave to him], and it looms over the entire movie. It adds a lot of suspense. The characters are invested in what he’s going to do with them, and the audience grows more interested as the movie progresses.

Laszlo wants them, offering hundreds of thousands of francs, but Rick tells him to fuck off. It’s an intense and short conversation, because Rick knows what Laszlo doesn’t. What follows is this battle of music between the Germans and the French in the bar. They both try to drown each other out, but everyone joins in with the French music cause fuck the Germans. But then the German authorities get pissed and tell Claude Rains to close the bar, so he does. But there’s this funny scene where Claude Rains is like “This place is being closed because there’s gambling!” and then some guy comes up to him and gives him money, saying “your winnings, sir.” Hilarious.

Ilsa threatens to kill Rick for the letters, but he calls her bluff and they kiss. And Ilsa tells him the whole truth about how she thought was Laszlo was dead when she met Rick, and Rick’s bitterness starts to crack as he understands her point of view.

Laszlo and Rick have another interesting conversation while Ilsa sneaks home. Probably my favorite scene, as Laszlo tries to dissect Rick, and vice versa. Rick questions Laszlo, about whether this fighting is really worth it. Laszlo claims that is the same as breaething. If we don’t breathe, we die, if we don’t fight [the Nazi’s], the world dies. [Obviously this is the message of the movie, and one that the movie hopes to spread in America] Rick says he doesn’t give a fuck about the world dying, and Laszlo cuts Rick open, saying that he sounds like a man trying to convince himself to believe that. This is applicable even now. People who are bitter and defeated [doomers] will say “I don’t care if the world ends, what does it matter?” And the Laszlo types will say “Bullshit! You are human, you must care.”

The ending of this movie is very exciting. People are double-crossing, people are lying. Rick tricks Claude Rains, then Claude Rains tricks him back, then Rick lies about stuff. It’s suspenseful and it’s done quite well. Passion and love and sorrow and huge decisions made quickly by these characters. And Rick finishes his wide arc and becomes a hero of sorts. He realizes the world is more important than his love for Ilsa. And the last line is absolutely classic. I love it.

As a film it’s basically perfect. The plot, the dialogue, the casting, the performances, it’s all pretty much perfect. There aren’t any real “flaws.” I can nitpick here and there about a couple things I personally don’t love, but even those aren’t really flaws. It is simply one of the most classic American films.

I mean, it does romanticize World War II. Literally, as it is a romance movie in many respects. And that’s all right, romance definitely happened during World War II, as it happens during any time period. But, you know, it kind of also presents an idea that huge implications of the war rested upon the conclusion of a certain love triangle, and.. ehh.. a bit melodramatic. But that’s not really the point! It’s more about the character of humanity during this time, and putting aside your personal stuff for the “cause” of defeating Nazism. Now if only there was a global threat today that we all needed to rise up against.. Hmm.. can’t think of anything.

Great movie. I’m glad that I’ve been able to see it. One of the best.

High Movie Review #008: Peter Pan

This is one of the most nostalgic movies of my life. It’s one of the most nostalgic movies of a lot of people’s lives. By the nature of its subject, the never-ending childhood, it is a nostalgic movie. It produces nostalgia.

As a kid, it’s a super fun movie! With pirates and adventure! But as an adult we look back at it and think, “Yeah, childhood was the best, I wish I could be a child again. It was the best and it’ll never be like that again. But it can be close to it for 77 minutes while we watch this.” I remember watching it, my dad would rent VHS tapes from Blockbuster and then use his VCR to copy the movie to a blank 8mm tape. Voila! We have the movie now! Ye olde retro technologie.

Oh, and the concept of Wendy stealing Peter Pan’s shadow is so interesting. It’s so weird. How did she do it? Like to imagine a shadow as its own being and its own movement is such a weird concept. I would never think of it. And then Link [in Zelda II: The Adventure of Link] has to fight his own shadow as well. Plus they dress the same. And Link [in Ocarina of Time] also has a tiny fairy friend.

ANYWAY, Peter and Wendy have an interesting relationship. It’s kind of a quaint, boy meets girl thing and it’s like your first crush. It’s cute. And Wendy wants to give him a kiss and he’s like “what the fuck is that?” It’s not so much like “perfect romance, love at first sight, happily ever after,” thing from the earlier Disney movies.

John is like the kid who’s trying to act all grown up. “I’m John. How do you do?” he says pretentiously. Some kids loved to act like they were mature for some reason. Not sure why they thought that maturity was the coolest quality to have. John’s like that. There’s a couple lines I like where John is being all fake mature like “I’d like to cross swords with some real buccaneers!” and Michael’s like “Yeah! And fight pirates, too!” It’s funny, Michael doesn’t know what the fuck a buccaneer is. And saying “fight pirates” gets the message across. Stop trying to act all smart and mature, John. Not a big fan of John, to be honest.

Tinkerbell’s kind of a bitch. She’s like “Oh, Wendy’s getting some of the attention, better kill her!” Kind of an overreaction, I’d say. She doesn’t kill her, but she flies super fast and tells the lost boys to shoot her down. Kinda fucked.

I love Mr. Smee, he’s so fucking funny. He’s like this jolly, cheerful pirate and they’re all acting like the stereotypical angry, rum-drinking, tough guy pirates. But he shows up and says “Good morning shipmates!” And he gets bullied for being positive! Classic. “Why are you trying to make people happier?! Fuck you!!” That’s what those pirates are saying, essentially.

The way the movie portrays Indigenous people of the Americas is very bad. Very stereotypical, very caricature-ish. I’m not gonna defend it. It’s not good. I’m not a sociologist or whatever, but maybe if you’re gonna show this movie to your kids, you can explain what stereotypes are and how they work and stuff.

But back to the plot. So Captain Hook and Peter Pan are eternally at odds with each other, and Hook seeks to kidnap Tiger Lily and coerce her into telling him where Peter Pan’s hideout is. So he does that, but then she’s saved by Peter and Captain Hook runs away from the crocodile who swallowed a clock. That sounds like something made up by Alex Jones. “The freaking demon masters are feeding clocks to the crocodiles!! They’re mind control clocks, people!!”

Oh yeah, and the mermaids also get jealous of Wendy and try to kill her. Man, Neverland seems to foster jealous and murderous girls. Except Tiger Lily, she’s chill. But then Wendy gets really jealous of her, but at least she doesn’t try to kill her.

Wendy says some nice words about mothers. It’s actually very sweet and she sings a song too. It’s kind of strange, this important theme about mothers in a movie where the actual mother is hardly in it at all. It’s kind of like that thing where parents treat their eldest daughter as the third parent. The Darlings definitely do that with Wendy. They expect Wendy to raise their other kids while the parents go out and do rich people bullshit. They even expect the DOG to be another parent. Shitty parents. The dad kinda reminds me of the dad from Mary Poppins. They’re both rich and neglectful fathers named George who live in Edwardian London. But the key difference is that one has kids named John and Michael, while the other has kids named Jane and Michael. Totally different characters, those George’s.

Anyway, Hook captures Tinkerbell and tricks her into showing him Peter’s secret hideout. The pirates kidnap Wendy and the lost boys and give a time bomb to Peter. Looking pretty grim, I hope Peter doesn’t die in an explosion! Luckily Tinkerbell gets out just in time and saves Peter but almost dies. It’s a pretty sad moment as Peter is searching for her. It shows how strong the bond is between two characters even though they had kind of a falling out earlier. They still love each other. I know I said earlier that she’s a bitch, but she redeemed herself here.

There’s a cool showdown between Peter and Captain Hook. There’s dueling and sword fighting and.. swashbuckling? Was there swashbuckling happening? Was there some swash being buckled?

Peter wins and Hook swims away, pursued by the clock-eating crocodile. A clock-odile, if you will. And they fly back to London and it’s all very magical.

Peter Pan is such a cool character, but more so he’s an awesome concept for a character. An adventurous kid who never grows up. I feel like there could be a whole bunch of Peter Pan-type characters. A never-aging kid having adventures in Manhattan. A never-aging kid exploring jungles and rivers. A never-aging kid stowing away on trains, traveling the world. Maybe there are a bunch of never-aging kids in literature and I just never found out about them.

Peter Pan is a good movie.

High Movie Review #007: Alice in Wonderland

Okay, now THIS is a movie to watch while high. It’s part of the whole psychedelic, stoner, drug culture thing. The colors, the whimsical nature of it, the weird fanciful story, it all adds to the weed/psychedelic drug culture. But that hippie/hipster/druggie thing didn’t really seem to be the mainstream until the second half of the 1960s, but this movie came out in 1951. The early 50s were marked by extreme conformity. Men worked and women cooked, men wore suits and hats, women wore dresses, men had short hair, everyone was pro-U.S. and anti-communist, everyone lived in rows of houses that looked exactly alike. Deviation from the norm was highly suspect. So this movie is kind of ahead of its time, I would say. You’d think it would have been released in 1968. I get that it’s still a cartoon “kids” movie, but if there’s any Disney movie that’s a stoner movie, it’s this.

Anyway, Alice starts off by wishing that she could live in a world of nonsense, where there’s no rhyme or reason or logic at all. Then she immediately regrets it. She wanted a world without reason, then she’s mad like “Why is this talking doorknob not using logic? Why is he making no sense? Why is this smoking bird telling me to get dry by running around in the water? Why does no one make sense?” Girl, you asked for this. 

There’s so many characters in this movie, and, even with small screentime, they make strong impressions. Like the Mad Hatter is not in the movie for the entire movie. He’s not in it all that much, but we really know the Mad Hatter, he’s a full side character, and this movie is full of full side characters. The Mad Hatter, the Cheshire Cat, the March Hare, the Walrus and the Carpenter, the Caterpillar, and the Queen of Hearts are all great full side characters.

I like the Walrus and the Carpenter the best. I used to love reciting his rhyming song/poem/dialogue. To talk of other things, like shoes and ships and sealing wax [I thought it was ceiling wax as a kid], cabbages and kings! I love that. Makes no sense, but it’s fun to say!

The voice of the White Rabbit is so funny to me. He’s perfectly frantic. And the way he calls Alice “Marianne!” [or Mary Anne?] adds a certain flavor to the nonsense that I like. Having someone think you’re someone else, and refusing to change their mind, is distressing and weird. Honestly, all of the voice acting is amazing. The Mad Hatter is perfect, the Cheshire Cat is perfect, the Walrus is perfect, the Queen of Hearts is perfect. I think it’s interesting that the voice of the Queen of Hearts is the same person as the voice of the Fairy Godmother. She’s so soft as the Fairy Godmother but in this movie she screams!

I like the dark aspects of this movie because they’re not as “in-your-face” as other Disney movies. With this movie it’s like it’s dark when you think about it a bit. Like the Walrus and the Carpenter scene portrays the oysters as like little kids, but then they just get devoured. Pretty dark, but it’s not presented in a dark way. It’s whimsical! Also they blast this lizard way up in the sky to his doom. And the bird just dismisses it like “There goes Bill..” And then there’s the Queen ordering executions by decapitation for trivial things.

I hate those flowers though, they’re assholes to Alice, making fun of her. Fuck them, especially that one flower that has glasses, she’s the worst. But the scene is still beautiful. Giving the flowers faces and personalities and musicality was done perfectly. And the song is lovely. The Caterpillar is kind of a dick too, screaming in Alice’s face. 

There’s never a dull moment in this movie. The Mad Hatter scene has the most chaotic energy of the whole movie. There’s so much going on, so much being said, so much being done, and so much to look at. It’s awesome!

I think this is one of the best Disney animated movies of all time. It’s the most fun. Get high and watch it!

10 Films to See Before You Face the Cold Void of Death and Cease to Exist and Everyone Forgets You [Part 2]

5. 2001: A Space Odyssey

2001: A Space Odyssey is a film that speaks to you like you’re a human being instead of speaking to you like you’re a customer. It’s more thought-provoking than entertaining, though I would say that it is still entertaining, in its own way. 

The film spans hundreds of millennia, from the dawn of man to the 21st century A.D. It explores ideas like existentialism, evolution, artificial intelligence, and extraterrestrial life. It is a true science fiction movie. It is the magnum opus of Stanley Kubrick, a director known for his incredible visual sense. It’s beautiful and mysterious. 

I’m reminded of a television show called It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The show is about some assholes who own a bar. They decide to make an action movie together. One of the assholes, Mac, keeps overly explaining the plot while he’s acting, just to make absolutely sure that the audience knows exactly what’s going on at every moment. 2001: A Space Odyssey is like the opposite of that. It doesn’t explain much of anything, and there are different interpretations, different types of analysis. 

4. Shrek

Shrek is the internet’s favorite movie. And we live in the age of the internet. There is no escaping that fact. We live in the Internet Age, just as people lived in the Renaissance or the Age of Enlightenment. The internet is its own universe, unfathomable in size, it keeps expanding, it cannot be stopped or controlled. The internet has been unleashed upon humanity, and there’s no going back.

The memes, the edited versions on youtube, the memorable quotes, and of course, the movie’s connection to the internet’s favorite song, All Star by Smash Mouth. All of this makes Shrek a must-see movie. 

It’s the story of an ogre who has a Scottish accent for some reason. This movie basically says, “Hey, you know all those old fairy tales? Fuck em!” 

It’s so funny, the soundtrack is hilarious, and it actually has a decent message about loving yourself for who you are and not judging others by their appearance. YET, Shrek and Donkey are constantly mocking Lord Farquaad for his height. But he’s an asshole, so he kind of deserves it. That’s an interesting thing that happens. Most decent people would agree that making fun of someone’s appearance is mean and you shouldn’t do it. When someone’s an asshole, or even a straight up bigot sometimes, making fun of their appearance becomes commonplace, even from people who would otherwise decry such superficial attacks. And then you try to point this out to the person and they’re like “He’s racist! He deserves to be made fun of! He deserves to be called a fat lard! Why are you defending a racist?”

And I’m like, “I’m not defending the guy, he should be definitely made fun of. I’m just saying that making fun of a racist person for being fat is not only making fun of that person, but also fatness in general.”

Whatever, maybe I’m wrong. Kind of a weird situation, the morality of which I don’t fully understand. The point is: watch Shrek.

3. Star Wars

Star Wars is about the Death Star. The Death Star is a new, advanced, colossal battle station in space which was constructed by the Empire in secret. [Hence why Han Solo, a seasoned and knowledgeable space traveler, who has “flown from one side of this galaxy to the other,” is shocked by its existence] The Death Star is, by far, the most powerful weapon in history. The Empire uses it to completely destroy the planet of Alderaan, which has a mostly civilian population.

Now, WHY does the Empire do this? It’s true that they are in a conflict with a loose band of rebels, and Princess Leia, the de facto leader of the rebels, is from Alderaan. So sometimes you have to kill people when you’re in a war. But that’s not really why they build the Death Star, and it’s not why they use it. 

The Empire builds the Death Star and uses it on Alderaan to show how powerful and ruthless the Empire is. Their intention is to put fear into the minds of every person from every other planet that, if you piss off the Empire, we can and will wipe you out. So you better act how we want you to act. You better act according to our interests, or we’ll use the most powerful weapon in history against you. 

In the council meeting scene, one guy asks Grand Moff Tarkin how the Emperor will be able to dispose of the Imperial Senate, he says: “Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station.” 

And later in the movie, after Leia gives him the name of a phony rebel base, Tarkin says, ehh, we’ll still use the Death Star on Alderaan, cause ‘Dantooine is too remote to make an effective demonstration.” They use it not as a strategic move against the Rebellion’s forces, but to demonstrate the Empire’s complete power and dominance. If they had used it on Dantooine, a far-off planet that no one cares about, presumably, then it wouldn’t put as much fear into the hearts of the people from other systems in the galaxy. 

It’s pretty evil to commit such a huge atrocity in order to demonstrate your power so you can pressure everyone to capitulate to your interests. 

Plus, it’s the movie that is most responsible for popularizing nerd/geek culture into mainstream consciousness. It’s one of the most popular movies of all time, and if you haven’t seen it, I think you should try to watch it with a clear, open mind [even though I just spoiled some of it, hehe].

2. Citizen Kane

Hmm, let’s see, I’m just some guy talking about movies, let’s check out the experts. In 1998, the American Film Institute voted Citizen Kane as the #1 movie ever. Then they did another list in 2007, hmm.. Citizen Kane on top again. 

What about the British Film Institute? 2012, Citizen Kane #2. 2002, Citizen Kane #1, 1992 Citizen Kane #1, 82 Kane 1, 72 Kane 1, 62 Kane 1.

Okay, we get it. If there’s any American movie that dominates lists like these, it is Citizen Kane, released in 1941. Starring Orson Welles,  directed by Orson Welles, produced by Orson Welles, and co-written by Orson Welles. It was his movie. He was given almost complete control on his first movie. That has never happened before or since.

It’s about a character named Charles Foster Kane, who is very obviously based on the real person William Randolph Hearst. Hearst was a capitalist, one of the wealthiest men in American history, and famous for his use of yellow journalism. He’d use his newspapers to lie, sensationalize, exaggerate, gossip, and make up stories for profit and other motives, including provoking the Spanish-American war.

Anyway, is Citizen Kane any good? Well, that’s for you to decide. I think it’s a masterpiece, but you might not. And that’s okay. If you don’t like Citizen Kane, that does not mean that your opinion on movies is somehow invalid. I know a lot of film elitists will try to make you feel like that, but don’t listen to them. But you should give it a shot. Elitists, in general, are not good for whatever community they’re in. Whether you love comic books, music, film, or whatever, what good is it to demean someone who is newer to the community or just has a different opinion than you? 

But there’s no denying that Citizen Kane is a historic, influential, highly regarded movie. I think you should watch it the same way you should listen to Beethoven’s 9th symphony, or see Michelangelo’s David, or read The Great Gatsby. There are important artistic works of mankind. I love Beethoven’s 9th symphony, I’m impressed by Michelangelo’s David, and I hate The Great Gatsby. And that’s all right. If you think that Citizen Kane is overrated trash, I’ll support you voicing your opinion on that. 

1. The Seventh Seal

What better way to finish this list of ten movies to see before you die than a movie starring Death himself. 

The Seventh Seal is a Swedish film from 1957, directed by Ingmar Bergman. And it is about a knight named Antonius Block, who is on a return journey to his home from the crusades. He meets Death, and challenges him to a game of chess. Death accepts this challenge, and the game is played throughout the journey. As long as Antonius stays alive in the game, he stays alive, but if Death wins, Antonius will die. Antonius Block, tormented by the question of faith, is accompanied by his squire Jons, who has become a cynical, nonbeliever after their years fighting in the crusades. 

Here’s another interesting thing: the movie is set during the PLAGUE!! The. Plague. Of the Bubonic variety. Kinda relevant to our current world, wouldn’t you say?

Anyway, they travel through towns and meet several people, including a couple of actors, a blacksmith, and a young girl set to be executed for “bringing on the plague,” by her alleged association with the devil. A lot of religious fervor and irrational behavior surrounding a pandemic…

But the movie is not only relevant to our current time, it’s relevant to all human beings throughout history. Death is something we all must face, in the end, and people’s reactions to it are quite different. Antonius asks questions throughout the film, desperate to find meaning, frustrated by God’s silence. He views faith as a torment, a question that can never be answered. He never stops questioning things, but he never gets any answers. That’s how I feel.

Jons, on the other hand, has asked himself the same question, “Does God exist?” and has answered it: No. He does not waver in this answer. It is as final as Death itself. He sees life as a triumph over death, to feel alive as much as you can while you can. Antonius feels a bit of this as well, considering his hand closely, marvelling at his feeling of being alive, being able to move his hand how he wishes. He is alive, and that is good.

The actors, to no surprise, take a more whimsical approach. They don’t really think about these questions at all. The simple fact is that they’re alive, and the obvious thing to do is to have fun, to sing songs, to act, to juggle, to eat strawberries. 

Many of the villagers are staunch believers in God, believing that God has sent the plague as punishments, and they must repent before their deaths.

We have an atheist, agnostics, people who are secure in their faith, and a man who is tormented by his wavering faith in God. These characters are who we all are. And who are you?

10 Films to See Before You Face the Cold Void of Death and Cease to Exist and Everyone Forgets You [Part 1]

You will die one day. There’s going to be a day when you die. I’m going to die as well. I don’t want to. I’m scared of that. It sounds horrible. I don’t want to do that!!

There are only a limited amount of movies you will see before your fateful day, the day you meet Death face to face. Are you prepared for that?

These are ten movies I think you should see before that day. 

Not necessarily the “best” or my “favorite,” just movies I think are important to see and experience, for various reasons.

10. Wall-E

Yes, I’m going to use this time to talk about the environment. Wall-E is a film which has an environmental message, but when you think about the movie in relation to Disney, the studio which released it, it’s kind of a strange experience. The film portrays a future Earth which is covered in trash. Old toys, plastic packaging, plastic DVD cases, cigarette lighters, Pez dispensers, whatever. Just a bunch of crap. Yet Disney itself is the producer and seller of a lot of this type of crap. Mickey Mouse hats, plastic toys, plastic figurines, plastic packaging, DVD cases, Pez dispensers, Disney loves to make money off this stuff, they love consumers and consumerism, they love building up the plastic wasteland that is shown in the film. 

Wall-E also negatively portrays the mindless zombie aspect of consuming media. It shows people watching TV at all times. Yet, that’s what Disney wants you to do. Disney Plus, Disney Plus, Disney Plus! We know you want it. And maybe you don’t like The Little Mermaid or Cinderella, but I bet you like Star Wars, which we own. Or Marvel, which we own. And if you don’t like any of that, odds are you probably enjoy ESPN, we own that too. And there’s ESPN+ to stream sports 24/7. Maybe you don’t want a Disney-owned streaming service at all, so you get Hulu. [We own that too]. ABC, Disney Channel, FX, National Geographic Channel.

So buy our stuff, watch our shows, stream our movies, consume media. Become the mindless zombie we want you to be. 

So it’s a bit hypocritical for Disney to be spreading these messages, but I think the messages delivered in Wall-E are still good messages. That is difficult for many people to accept. But I believe you can watch Wall-E, and you should, and absorb the environmental message and become inspired to stop buying useless plastic crap, and ALSO decry Disney, and other huge corporations [Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Nestle, Mars, Danone] from manufacturing so much plastic crap. 

Now, I own some of this crap myself. I own a Mickey Mouse Pez dispenser. I own a few Disney Blu-rays. I also own a novelty dancing Groot figure. So this would indicate that I am guilty of that same hypocrisy [even though most of these were gifts]. I’m a hypocrite too.

But, here’s what I can do. I can become less of a hypocrite over time. Maybe I can stop buying so much plastic. Maybe I can use my car less and less, if I can. Maybe I can use the air conditioning less and less. Then I’ll become more consistent with what I’m preaching. 

But hypocrisy with the environment is maybe not such a bad thing. If your aim is simply to be not a hypocrite, it’s way easier to be a non-hypocrite who is really bad for the environment, than it is to be a non-hypocrite who is really good for the environment.

Our society is designed to have you make environmentally poor decisions. Hopefully that will change in the future, but it’s still good to get better over time.

OH YEAH, the MOVIE!!! It is beautiful. It has some of the best visual storytelling in any movie ever. The story with Wall-E and Eve is very cute. There is one thing that is so strange about this movie. So the humans make the Earth uninhabitable, so they all live on this self-sustaining spaceship flying through space. The captain of the ship has access to video files from the last humans on Earth. And it’s just Fred Willard. It’s not animated, it’s just Fred Willard as a live-action human. This was such a poor decision in my opinion, as it throws off the entire feeling of the movie for those scenes. All the other people were animated, why didn’t they just animate this character? Fucking weird.

9. The Wizard of Oz

Most people that I’ve come into contact with during my time on Earth have already seen The Wizard of Oz, so that’s good. It is a classic, classic, classic movie. It’s just so iconic in the history of cinema. The characters, the costumes, the songs, the story, the memorable lines. Everything is so iconic. It’s hard to even think of another word to describe it. Iconic. Wait hold on..

*types “iconic” into thesaurus.com*

Emblematic! Is that right? No. Paradigmatic? What the hell even is that? Quintessential, that’s right. This is a quintessential piece of American cinematic history. Quintessential!! Meaning: “perfectly typical or representative of a particular kind of person or thing” Uhhh.. is that right either? *sigh* I don’t know what words mean.

Of course The Wizard of Oz transitions from black and white, in Kansas, to color when Dorothy reaches Oz, and when I watched this as a kid, I thought that The Wizard of Oz was the first movie to have color, which was, unfortunately, wrong.

But it’d be cool if it was the first! Imagine being alive in 1939 and every movie that’s ever existed has been in black and white. So you go to see The Wizard of Oz and it’s in black and white because of course it is, that’s how movies are. And then like twenty minutes into the movie, Dorothy opens the door and it’s like a mind-blowing amount of color, the yellow brick road, Munchkinland, that would be an amazing experience.

It still is an awesome transition in the movie, but in my fantasy world in my own head, it’s better. And it’s a fantasy movie! So in my fantasy, this is the world’s first color movie, so that’s the reality I’ve constructed for myself.  

8. Metropolis 

This is a silent movie. I know, most people don’t want to watch silent movies, but if you’re gonna watch one silent movie, this is the one. It was released in 1927 but set in the future, the year 2026, which is not too far in the future now.

It’s about class conflict, wealth inequality, the plight of workers, automation, and artificial intelligence. Wow, those are some important themes which are still relevant to this very day. I already wrote a longer piece about why you should watch this movie, so why don’t you go check it out?

The interesting thing about foreign silent movies is that there isn’t any real indication that it’s foreign. The only words we see are on the title cards, so once those are translated, it’s basically like the film is in English. 

Here’s another interesting thing about silent films: movies were around for a couple decades before they had sound. They were called “movies,” because the pictures moved. It sounds like something a kindergartener would have come up with. Picture move… Movie… Once sound movies came along, they were called “talkies,” because the characters talked. “Talkies” sounds like an ancient term, but we could have just as easily kept using the term through our current day. As the world transitioned from silent films to sound films, the new term, talkie, could have persisted. Almost all films nowadays are talkies, but no one calls them that. Funny thing, language.

7. Eraserhead 

If you decide to watch all these talkies that I’m recommending to watch before you perish, then Eraserhead is probably the one you’re one that you’re most likely to not like. You’re least likely to like this one. You’re most likely to dislike this one. I’m such a shitty writer.

Anyway, that’s okay, you don’t have to like every talkie, but I still recommend this one, and you may like it anyway. 

Eraserhead is a 1977 film directed by David Lynch. It’s strange. It’s weird. *scours thesaurus.com again* it’s bizarre. It’s odd. It’s.. funky! 

I don’t want to say too much about it because I think it’s best to just watch it. Just jump in and experience it. 

I know I’m not really giving much to convince you to see it, but, like I said, I don’t want to say too much about it to mess with your expectations. But it’s a strange movie, and you seem like a strange person. So go watch it.

6. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty Python and the Holy Grail, also known as that talkie that those annoying white nerds keep quoting. One of those annoying white nerds was me! Like The Princess Bride, Anchorman, and many others, this is a comedy talkie that gets quoted A LOT. In my opinion, which is humble of course, this is the best of the bunch. Coming from the minds of the LEGENDARY comedy group Monty Python, this is their masterpiece. 

It is a modern parody of old English legends such as King Arthur, the Knights of the Round Table, Excalibur, and of course the quest for the Holy Grail. It pokes fun at the absurd romanticized myth of the Middle Ages. The talkie shows filth, brutal violence, plague, and death. It is brilliant in its silliness and silly in its brilliance. It is one of the funniest films of all time, and the pace of the laughs is so fast. Definitely check this one out before you perish. 

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!