10. Orson Welles
Orson Welles was born in Kenosha, Wisconsin. He began creating content early in life, doing magic shows and puppet performances. Eventually he stepped up his content game by doing some performances on the radio. He pretended, on the radio, that martians were invading the United States of America. So quirky! It was, of course, just a performance of a late 19th century novel, The War of the Worlds, but some people thought it was a real martian invasion.
That reminds me, we haven’t had a good hoax like that in a while. Sure, there was that balloon boy, and that was kinda cool for content creation, but it would’ve been way cooler if it was just the balloon boy himself perpetrating the hoax. Instead it was just his weirdo parents, which is kinda lame. And then there was the so-called “Jetpack Man,” which is a good hoax in theory, but it was in 2020 when there was so much else going on, so the timing was bad. It’s hard to get noticed as a hoax content creator these days.
Anyway, then Orson Welles received the greatest contract in Hollywood history despite never having directed a film. The man has good timing for content creation. So he made a thinly veiled retelling of the life of William Randolph Hearst, a content creator in his own right, telling lies in newspapers to start wars. Welles called the movie Citizen Kane, and it’s a masterpiece, if you ask my opinion about it. I thought it’d be a sappy little love story, because it’s so highly regarded, but it’s kind of a big “fuck you” to one of the richest man in the world, at the time, which is pretty cool.
Then I started thinking, “Someone should do the same type of movie with one of these modern robber barons.” So then I started writing the screenplay, but then it became more of a crime comedy where a couple stoners kidnap the daughter of the world’s richest man. I’m still waiting on my Hollywood offer.
9. Arthur Guinness
Arthur Guinness was born in Celbridge, Ireland, and died in Dublin, Ireland. In between those events, he created some content in the form of beer. The beer was named Guinness, after the name of the content creator himself. And what great content it is! When I first got to Dublin [from the U.S.A.], the taxi driver from the airport just started talking about Guinness and how amazing it is. Then I went to a pub, they call it, and had a pint of Guinness, and it was phenomenal. “That’s some good content to consume, right there,” I said. It’s smooth as hell, and the hangovers are not too bad, in my experience.
Beer in general is good content itself, you know? It’s nice to consume. But it’s also a content facilitator. It facilitates content creators in their content creation. Content like a guy jumping off the roof of a building, smashing a table with his body. That type of content is almost always fueled by some type of beer, possibly Guinness. My roommates and I once created some beer-facilitated content, when we took our old, broken TV, threw it off the roof, then threw bricks on it. Some of the best content I’ve created, I’d say.
The reason Arthur is not higher on this list is that, when I drink a pint of Guinness, I really want a second pint. And when I drink a second pint, I really really want a third pint. And then it just compounds, and the world gets blurry, but there’s a live band, so that’s cool. Then you really really really want another pint, and there’s a nice, funny, pretty, cute girl drinking with you. And she’s laughing and touching your arm, and your hands and leaning on your shoulder. And she’s walking with you, but you’re so disoriented from the Guinness, so all of a sudden you wake up in your hotel room, alone, having not made a move because you were so disoriented. And now you’ll probably never see her again. You blew it.
So that can happen with his content, so watch out for that. But then you want some more Guinness the next day, just one more won’t hurt.
8. Tony Hawk
Anthony Hawk goes by the name Tony Hawk, as we all know. He started creating content in the early 1980s. What he would do, see, is ride around on a piece of wood with wheels attached. He’d perform all these crazy tricks with the board, jumping and flipping around. It was insane, and people loved it cause no one had seen content creation quite like that.
He really made it big when he created some content called Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater in 1999. And I went to my cousins’ house, and they turned on the Playstation, and I played that game, and it was the coolest thing I had ever experienced at the time. It makes me think about this question: “What are the best things I’ve experienced, progressively, over the course of my life?” I would say it probably starts with candy. When I was a toddler, candy was the best thing I’d ever experienced. Then Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater surpassed it. After that, maybe it was the Jimmy Neutron/Fairly Oddparents crossover. That was amazing. That held the top spot for a few years until I had my first kiss. That was awesome. And then, you know, other things surpassed that.
Anyway, Tony Hawk continued creating incredible content, such as Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3, and Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4. Great stuff. The type of thing you can just pick up and play and have a great time immediately. I loved the secret characters like Spider-Man, Iron Man, and Shrek.
His recent content is good too, telling stories about him being halfway recognizable. We all know Tony Hawk, but I guess it’s difficult to believe that it’s actually him when you meet him. He just seems like a cool guy, that’s the main thing about him.
7. Rihanna
Robyn Rihanna Fenty was born in 1988 in Barbados, which is pretty cool. She started creating content in 2011, releasing a fragrance, Reb’l Fleur. I’ve never smelled it, but I’ve heard it’s some good content. Her next fragrance-related content was called Rebelle, and she made a commercial for it, which was even more Rihanna content than I could hope for. She just kept on going, never stopping her content creation, with the release of her third fragrance, Nude. That’s definitely what I’m talking about when I type “Rihanna nude” into the google search bar.
Never seeming to take any pause from creating content, she started creating content of the cosmetic variety, Fenty Beauty. This is when she hit the big time, in my opinion. The makeup is really good, and it works well with so many different skin tones, which is amazing. Inclusivity is the way to go.
I should mention some other content she’s created, such as a fashion company, a lingerie company, and a skincare company. Pretty great stuff.
6. Salvador Dali
Salvador Dali was a content creator from Spain, which is also called España by people from España. Not sure why we don’t just say it the same way that the people from the country say it, but whatever. That’s a question for a linguist [I’m not a linguist]. I mean, if I met a guy named Alejandro from España, it’s not like I’d say, “Oh, yeah, well, I’m just gonna call you ‘Alexander’ cause that’s what we do here in the U.S. of A.”
Salvador Dali painted things. And he painted things that weren’t things. And he painted things that were almost things but not quite the thing. You may know his painting, The Persistence of Memory, which featured a few melting clocks. That’s my favorite painting of all time. I want to go see it in person one day so I can throw a bowl of soup at it. That’s one of my bucket list items.
You might not remember his lesser-known content, such as his painting, The Great Masturbator, which is what they used to call me back in the day. I was a great masturbator. One of the greatest, in fact.
5. Stevie Wonder
Stevie Wonder is a content creator from Michigan. He started singing songs for Motown Records in the 1960’s C.E. Back then, the music industry had a pretty rigid structure to it. The songwriter wrote the song, the singer sang, the producer produced, the sound engineer engineered sound, and the pianist piano-ed. Everyone had their specific role. It was a division of labor. The Motown bass player was named James Jamerson, which kinda sounds like someone forgot the name, so they just made it up on the spot. But he was a great bassist and deserves more recognition.
Anyway, as time went on, musicians were given more autonomy over how their songs and albums were made. And he made some absolutely [positively] amazing songs. I mean, I’m listening to Sir Duke right now as I’m typing this. Goodness gracious, it’s fucking good. Obviously this list is kind of a tongue-in-cheek situation, but that song is genuinely just so classic. It’s the type of song you’d show to aliens if they asked us what Earth music was like.
Also Uptight (Everything’s All Right) is really, really good. If you’re looking to get into Stevie Wonder, listen to those two songs first. That oughta wet your appetite, which is an odd phrase. Also there’s “wet your whistle,” which sounds like some kind of weird, horny euphemism. Hold on, I just looked it up. Apparently it’s “whet your appetite,” what the fuck?
4. Shigeru Miyamoto
Shigeru Miyamoto is a Japanese guy that makes video games. The first content that he created was called Donkey Kong, and it featured a gorilla throwing barrels at a man who’s trying to climb a bunch of ladders. Quite hilarious. Later he created some content called Super Mario 64, which featured Mario jumping around a castle, among other things. I’ve enjoyed playing that game since I was a kid. Back then, rumors circulated that Mario’s brother Luigi was hidden somewhere in the game. People believed that, if you collect every coin in the game, Luigi would appear. Or if you performed some crazy feat near the castle’s courtyard fountain, Luigi would appear. But Luigi never appeared. Mario was all alone.
But it was fun to engage in these rumors, and it’s fun to look back upon them. It’s something that we’ve mostly lost in the internet age. There are fewer fun/mysterious myths like that. Obviously there are still conspiracy theories, but I’m talking about these word-of-mouth legends. Now you can just look up on the internet that Luigi’s not in Super Mario 64, and it’s over. There were other rumors like that. Something about Marilyn Manson’s anatomy that we all heard about…
Of course, I think it’s good that I have such easy access to such an incredible amount of knowledge. It’s good to know things and to learn things. One of the tragedies of the internet is that it did not become an unlimited source of knowledge, but an unlimited source of information, true and otherwise.
3. Riley Reid
Speaking of the internet, Riley Reid has been creating content for over twelve years now, and I really love her content. It’s some of the best content out there. But the reason she’s not higher on this list is that a very strange thing happens when I consume her content: I’m enjoying her content, having the time of my life, then all of a sudden I’m totally repulsed by her content. I just get immediately disgusted, to the point where I quickly turn it off, and I can’t even imagine why anyone would like that type of content. Really bizarre experience, and it doesn’t happen with any of these other content creators.
It’s not like, when I’m playing Super Mario World, that I experience a particularly euphoric moment of enjoyment of the game, followed by a sudden sense of revulsion at the very sight of the Italian plumber, such that I delete the memory save file of the game and yank the power cord from the SNES console.
2. Ludwig van Beethoven
I love this guy. One of the greatest content creators to come out of Germany. He lived in Austria as well. In the late 18th century and early 19th century, Germany and Austria were known for producing great content creators, and Beethoven was the best of the best, in my opinion.
He wrote the theme song to the Judge Judy show, and that’s pretty cool. It’s a pretty cool theme song. That show’s kinda fuckin whack, though, if you ask me. One of the highest-paid people on television judging a $500 rent dispute. Girl, just be a homie and help them out. Plus she was a complete bitch all the time. I guess if she wasn’t, she wouldn’t be one of the highest-paid people on television. But it speaks to a larger point which is that I don’t understand why people like assholes on reality TV shows. Judge Judy, Gordon Ramsey, and to a lesser extent Simon Cowell, I just don’t get it. Gordon Ramsey can go take a flying fuck at the moon, as far as I’m concerned. It probably all started with Morton Downey Jr., an asshole/daytime TV show host. Hey, it says here on Downey’s Wikipedia page that Morton Koopa Jr. [content created by Miyamoto], was named after Downey. And Ludwig von Koopa was named after Beethoven! Look how connected everything is!
Anyway, ol’ Beethoven created some content called “Fur Elise,” after his friend asked him what he wanted for Christmas. It can get pretty cold in Vienna in the winter, but Elise never gave him the fur. Poor chap.
His greatest content is called “Ode to Joy.” I’m a big fan of joy myself. It feels pretty good, and it’s about time someone created an ode to it.
1. William Shakespeare
Hey, my number one pick is William Shakespeare, the most famous content creator in the Elizabethan era. That is, Elizabeth the first-ethan era. We just ended the Elizabeth the second-ethan era. What an era that was. Phew! Glad it’s over.
Anyway, William was married to Anne Hathaway, which is crazy, but as far as I know, Anne never used her husband’s connections to make it into the acting industry, so good for her! She made it on her own! A self-made woman.
Shakespeare created so much content, it’s really quite incredible. One thing he wrote was “To be, or not to be, that is the question.” To be honest, that is the question. That really is the fuckin question out here. Are you gonna be, or are you not gonna be? As for me, I’m tryna be. “To be or not to be?” is a question that a nation or a culture may face, or even the entirety of humanity. I imagine one of the major players in the Cuban Missile Crisis recalling the question. That really was the moment where humanity asked of itself, “to be or not to be?”
Of course, it wasn’t really humanity that was asking that. It was just a few dozen American and Russian guys asking that question, and maybe a few Cubans. Everyone else was saying, “Uh yeah, ‘to be or not to be?’ interesting question, but there’s one obviously correct answer: to be! We all want to be!
In some different ways, we’re asking that question again with climate change. It’s not the same, but we’re still asking that question. And it’s not just a few dozen American/Russian/Cuban guys, it’s a lot more than that. We’re all involved, we’re all trying to be.