I think I’ve hated myself in two different ways. The first was the worst and the hardest, the longest-lasting. And the second was still hard but it was easier to deal with on some level. But also, the second form, coming after the first, probably still had some of the first form wrapped up in it.
I’ll try to explain.
So if you think about the phrase “I hate myself,” a big part of that is the word “myself,” obviously. Now I can think about myself as who I am, basically my identity. And that’s a bunch of things that combine into myself. My height, my weight, my hair, my eyes, my skin, my appearance, my voice, my talent, my skills, my personality, etc. It’s all myself, and that’s who I hate. I hate who I am. And that’s very difficult because you have to just, kind of accept who you are. There are a lot of characteristics that you just.. are.
And a lot of that is unchangeable. And a lot of that is almost unchangeable. My height’s not gonna change, my background isn’t gonna change. My voice and appearance can’t really change all that much. My social status might change, but it is what it is right now. It’s hard to accept. I definitely super-hated myself several years ago and it was horrible. It was so hard to deal with. And it nearly led to me ending my life. I’m grateful now that I didn’t, and that is thanks in part to some incredible people I knew at the time.
But just because I “made it out” of that time, that horrible time, doesn’t mean that that feeling of hating myself totally went away. It’s a long thing, and it’s maybe a lifetime of accepting yourself. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,” and so on.
Another way to think of myself is what I do. And I know some people think that who you are is what you do, and I concede that there is a lot of overlap between the two, but I do think that they can be different. What you do may or may not be indicative of who you are. And I know some people use that as an excuse or as part of their apology for seriously reprehensible acts. Like using horrible racial slurs or sexually harrassing someone or something, and then the person is like “That’s not who I am.” That’s not really what I’m talking about. I’m talking about more like, you know, a guy is usually super healthy, but for two weeks he’s eating like shit and not exercising and stuff. He’s just in a slump. That’s partly what I’m talking about.
Also, as I’ve explained, there are aspects of who you are that cannot be what you do. For example, my nationality is part of who I am, but I’m not doing anything.
You may agree with some of that or not, I’m not here to philosophically defend this notion of identity. I’m just trying to explain how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through.
So recently I’ve been hating myself more for what I’m doing, and it’s been a bit hard, but not as hard as the other kind. And, for the most part, what I’m doing is not really that bad. But, as the saying goes, I’m my own worst critic. I’ve been messing around on the internet, wasting a ton of time on social media. I’ve been neglecting my schoolwork. I’ve been wasting money on shit I don’t need. I’ve been drinking a bit too frequently, but it hasn’t been horrible, but it hasn’t been great either. I’m just kind of unfocused and unproductive and not living how I want to be living. With this form of hating myself, it’s not about accepting myself, it’s about changing my behavior so I no longer hate what I’m doing. So I gotta change it up and get back on track and doing things that I want to do and things that will help me thrive.
Just a little rant here, but I’ve already been doing a lot better than I was last week or a couple weeks ago. It’s something to consider, and I think realizing all this has helped me at times. It’s still hard, though.
Lefty Forrester 