Cinderelly, Cinderelly, something something Cinderelly. That song really gets stuck in my head, and now, perhaps it might be stuck in yours. The power of words at work.
So Cinderella’s parents are dead. Because of that, she lives with her stepmother, an absolute BITCH named Lady Tremaine and her two daughters who are annoying as fuck. They treat Cinderella like shit.
They have a cat named Lucifer. What the fuck?! Who names their pet Lucifer?? Kind of a bad guy, if I recall correctly. Then Cinderella meets these mice and names one of them Octavius, and then calls him “Gus” throughout the movie. Why is Gus a nickname for Octavius?? It’s not even close!! Wait, it’s because of Caesar Augustus?!? Because he changed his name from Octavius to AuGUStus!! That’s what it comes from?! That’s stupid. And what’s the deal with the Prince not having a name at all? In both Snow White and Cinderella, it’s just “the Prince,” but why? Why don’t they have names? Perhaps a name would ruin their perfection. They are perfect, handsome, charming princes, and to give them a name would be a blemish. There is no perfect name, but there is a perfect, archetypal “Prince.” Speaking of names and princes, there was a real guy named Prince! And there was an interesting time when he changed his name to a symbol, I think it was a contract dispute thing.
ANYWAY, Cinderella has to work all the time, and she gets treated poorly by Tremaine, but she still has hope, singing songs and wishing for a better life. “A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes” is a beautiful song which sets the tone for Cinderella’s character and the tone of the movie in general. It’s kind of like “I’m Wishing” from Snow White, but better.
So the Prince is handsome and rich and charming and irresistible, BUT he’s not married, he’s not even interested in any girls. This makes his dad angry! He’s upset that his son is not providing grandchildren. It’s honestly so weird when parents do this, pressuring their kids to have kids. So entitled to have grandchildren. “I’d like to see my grandchildren before I die,” they say. What? Fuck you. I’ll have kids when I want or not at all. I don’t owe you a grandchild.
So the king organizes a ball in the hopes that the Prince will meet someone, fall in love, and get married. Of course, Lady Tremaine wants one of her bitchy daughters to marry the Prince, and then they tear up Cinderella’s dress to prevent her from going to the ball! That’s so fucked up! Honestly, this movie will make you want to kill those step sisters.
Luckily the Fairy Godmother shows up just at the perfect moment! Where was she this whole time Cinderella was being so mistreated?! Okay, it’s just a fairytale, who cares.
The king and his monocle-wearing assistant do some slapstick-type humor, falling over each other and stuff and it kinda throws off the magical mood. I get that it’s “comic relief,” but it just feels so out of place. The comic relief earlier, with Lucifer and Gus and whatever, that’s fine, it fits, but the ball scene is supposed to be this perfect, romantic, idealized thing and then you have a guy falling on his fat ass. It just kinda throws everything off. But those shenanigans end, and the Prince and Cinderella dance. It’s, you know, a love-at-first-sight, magical, romantic, happily-ever-after moment. But the clock strikes midnight and Cinderella has to flee because the fairy godmother’s spell only lasts until then for some reason.
So the monocle guy tells the king that Cinderella got away, which pisses off the king. And the king is trying to kill the monocle guy and then the monocle guy is like “No wait! Remember, your blood pressure!” Even as a kid, I thought that was a funny line. It just seems so modern or something. Like, were they concerned about King William IV’s blood pressure? Then they fall from the chandelier and there’s this Goofy-sounding scream. Like it sounds like Goofy, the character. Super weird. Watch this movie again and listen for that scene. It’s literally Goofy.
But they have the glass slipper, so they’re gonna try to see who it fits, then the Prince will find the girl and marry her. But Lady Tremaine figures it all out and locks Cinderella up. What an absolute petty, jealous asshole! Then there’s this cool little battle scene between the animals and Lucifer. It’s like a little showdown to get the key to Cinderella. Lucifer wins but then Bruno comes in and kicks Lucifer’s ass. The slipper breaks but Cinderella reveals that she has the other slipper somehow. She tries it on, it fits, and she and the Prince get married and live happily ever after.
Overall, the movie’s fine. It’s a classic, and it doesn’t have any huge flaws or anything, but it’s definitely not for everyone. It’s just very.. Disney-like. The princess who speaks to animals, the mean stepmother, the charming prince, the happily ever after, it’s like the Disney fairy tale of all Disney fairy tales. It’s one of the most romantic Disney movies, and I just don’t really care too much for romance overall. BUT, if you like that stuff, you’d love this movie. Obviously I’m not the target audience, it’s not like Walt Disney in 1950 was like: “Hey let’s make a movie for a 21st Century, stoner guy in his mid-20’s!”
Lefty Forrester 